Just a quick post about the Awful German Language.

Because this a first world country, with, you know, a retail economy and shopping websites, I’ve been looking online to find a few things for the house. Since I don’t speak German, I use Microsoft Translator.

This is WAY too much fun.

“Let dangle your soul. With massage cushion-matten, and made and infra-red lamps get back refreshed the day to begin the necessary rest and relaxation.”

(Is it just me or does this make you want to say: the barn door is open, dude?)

“Making it easy to look good. With SATURN, you get all the products that benefit your body. He will thank you.”

(I think my body would be very surprised to find that she was a he…)

For your baby the very best. So that your offspring all around feels at SATURN is everything about the baby at the hottest price… be careless parents with all products around the baby, and that as always to the hottest price.”

(I made a point of always being especially careless with all products around my babies.)

“This column scale analyzes button exactly the grease and water content of the user and helps in the assessment of Ernährungszustandes in this way.”

(I’m from Nashville, and you really don’t want to know my “grease content,” OK?)

In “Bras for the Oversize:”

“Elegant discharge for large sizes – no pockets.”

(Not too sure about that discharge thing, but pockets in my bra could be pretty nifty.)

Here’s where it really gets weird: therapy dolls.  I have a feeling this would be pretty weird in German, too.

“It suddenly is internally quite warm, if it looks like the face of a dementia exudes joy and looks like an old hand over the head of the doll deletes and then takes them into the arms.”

(Because we all need a crazed little fake baby friend now and then.)

“Not only dolls, animals spread joy! Dementia sick people often kept a cat as a pet in their previous lives.”

“Billy the cat arouses feelings, almost like a real cat. Included is a small pillow, which can be heated and placed in the belly: thus Billy donates the cat heat, even if it’s only for a short while.”

A FAKE CAT?  Like there aren’t enough real cats around?

Dearest offspring: if it ever the point reaches where I am a fake demented cat cuddling in order to joyful be, please to take me out back and deceased shooting me.

Love, mom.