Wanted: Applicants for Secretary of State

November, 2000

The position of Secretary of State will open up on January 20 of the following year. The State Department is currently accepting applications from qualified persons.

Applicants for the position must meet at least 8 of the 10 following criteria. Gender and party affiliation are not applicable.

1.) Must have lived in at least two developing countries for periods of no less than two years apiece. At least one of these countries must have been in Africa or Southeast Asia (including India and Pakistan) because those countries have the biggest bugs.

2.) Must have lived in at least one high-threat or above post (either for reasons of terrorism or crime) for a period of at least two years.

2.) Must have learned at least one foreign language as an adult with no prior knowledge thereof. Must have conducted business and run a household in that language. Must have accomplished this with no federally funded language training.

3.) Must have lived in the Oakwood Apartments at least once for period of not less than eight months.

4.) Must have experienced at least one of the following medical conditions personally: giardia, amoebic dysentery, malaria, or dengue fever. Other diseases will be considered but only if they involve significant vomiting and/or diarrhea.

5.) Must have experienced at least one potentially life-threatening medical emergency involving hospitalization of a member of his/her immediate family in a country with substandard medical facilities.

6.) Must have sifted insects out of foodstuffs or filtered some form of larvae out of drinking water at least 5 times in the last twenty years. Must have consumed the foodstuffs or water afterwards.

7.) Must have traveled on a non-stop flight extending no less than 8 hours with no less than two preschool-aged children, in economy class. One child is acceptable, but only if one of the following two conditions apply: a) spouse or other caretaker was not present or b) at least one pet was traveling on the same flight.

8.) Must have experienced at least 20 periods without available electricity, each period lasting for no less than six hours. Wildly flashing electricity may qualify, but only if the period of drastic fluctuation lasted for more than 8 hours. If the home was equipped with a generator manufactured during the last 15 years, additional proof of inconvenience may be required.

9.) Must have experienced at least one severe water shortage, with periods of complete unavailability of water lasting for no less than 4 hours per day. (California residents do not qualify.)

10.) Must have driven in a large capital city of a developing country for a period of no less than one year. The presence of a chauffeur–either federally or privately funded–automatically disqualifies the applicant from meeting this criteria.

In addition the qualified applicant must be familiar with the Internet and a proficient user of email facilities. Above-average computer skills are to be desired, along with experience in computer hardware and/or software purchasing for a private organization or company (not under federal contract). Significant administrative experience is required, with at least one clerical level position held in the last twenty-five years. An ability to hire qualified administrative personnel at every level is very important, as well as to make and execute decisions quickly and effectively.

Send your application, along with stool and urine samples obtained no less than 48 hours apart and stored in the refrigerator, to the White House by January 20 (better mark it “To Current Resident).

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