August, 2000

Recently heard in this Foreign Service home:

“Mommy why is that sofa in the garage?”

“Because it’s pink, it’s paisley, and it has dog hair all over it.”

“Think about it: if some one gave you $200 to spend on a chair, would you choose aqua French Provincial? What, do they let an 80-year-old Bolivian matriarch pick out this stuff?”

“Well, maybe we can just cover it with a serape or something.”

“Mommy, why are you putting that carpet in the garage?”

“Because it’s pink, it’s sticky, it’s covered with dog hair, and I hate it more than words can express. Hell has carpets like this. Now, no more questions, just open the garage door before I collapse.”

“Boy, that’s really, really….dark isn’t it?”

“It’s not a pile of lamps. It’s art. It’s from my Ugly Lamp Period. What say we let Liam have at it with a screwdriver?”

“Well, maybe we can just cover it with a serape or something.”

“Let’s see…they know we have kids so they recovered the dining room chairs in white fabric. Brilliant, that’s really brilliant.”

“Mommy if the government gives us all this furniture what does Daddy have to keep bringing stuff home from Ikea?”

“Honey, I don’t think we own a serape that big.”

“I have it! We sell all the Embassy furniture, take the money and go to Ikea. Then we stick the UPC codes on the Ikea furniture. Who would know? It’s not like the next family is going to complain about it!”