Dear Viennese…

As a person from a southern clime, I feel qualified to mention a few things to y’all in this time of great hotness. Well, OK, this would be an average August week in the southern U.S., but you people are just so seriously unequipped that 92 degrees is a major ordeal. Especially in my rooftop apartment, with half the blinds and window screens missing and no air conditioning. Or on any form of public transportation.

But I threaten to rant here. What can I say, it’s the heat. Back to constructive advice 🙂

1.) Drafts are not bad for you. In fact, they aren’t even drafts. They are called breezes. Sometimes known as ventilation. And that funny thing on the wall, or side of the tram is called a window. When it is very hot outside, it really helps to OPEN IT.

2.) Air conditioning is not unhealthy. In fact I have a personal theory that it is a gift from God. Have you ever heard the saying “the Lord helps them who helps themselves?” (At least that’s how I remember it.) When y’all show up in the hundreds at the heavenly gate after dropping dead from heat exhaustion I am pretty sure St. Peter will be like: “Well, I sent you air conditioning! Why the heck didn’t you USE IT?”

3.) If you don’t have air conditioning, at least turn on a fan. Seriously, people, it won’t kill you. And really, some of the rounder, older people I have seen trucking around with bright red faces this week–well, I can’t help it, I worry. At home, they’d be cooling off by playing chess in the public library. Here, they don’t appear to have anywhere to go but the same hellishly hot trams that everyone else is stuck on. It can’t be good.

This is a fan.
This is a fan.

4.) Sweat is only healthy in unenclosed spaces. Out in the fields, yeah, it cools you off. In the city? Not so much. Especially when it’s all over plastic bus seats. Do not revel in this. That’s just so wrong. Do something about it. Wash. Everything.

5.) Water is essential to life. Or to “wellness” or whatever you want to call it. It should be free, at public water fountains and in restaurants, or at least very, very cheap. Little three-dollar bottles of fizzy water just don’t cut it. Guess why you are all so cranky this week?Aside from the no a/c, no ventilation thing? It’s called dehydration.

Global warming is here, folks. I recommend wide porches with swings, big open windows with screens and blinds, actually turning on air conditioning, water fountains everywhere, and learning to adapt right quick!

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3 comments

  1. Oh, yeah, we were on one of those hellish trams yesterday. The same public transport system that I generally rave about as being the most reliable anywhere, suddenly turned into the most reliable direct path to hell. We were seriously bathed in sweat by the time we got off. Thank God there’s a great Italian gelato place near our house. 🙂

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  2. So funny! It reminds me of Italy, where I am from. I guess Europeans in general hate the A/C and drafts! On the other hand whenever I walk in a store or a restaurant in the US during the summer I feel like I’m in an igloo and I have to put on a scarf and a cardigan! Good luck with your adventures in Vienna! Samuela

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